Don't Rain on my Parade

By Meggie Gates on July 1, 2014

Girl caught nonchalantly posing in the rain while selfishly ruining the expensive clothes her parents most likely bought her for Christmas.

Rain; an evil entity that seeks to destroy every possible plan you ever made for summer vacation. The only good thing about it is the lack of suns out guns out bro tanks able to scamper around like savages on the street; otherwise being stuck inside on a day your meteorologist falsely promised to be sunny is no fun whatsoever. Instead of desperately trying to find someone to kiss in the rain in order to fit a cliché put in place by so many romance movies before us, here’s a few other activities you can immerse yourself in to deter your feelings of inescapable loneliness that threaten to consume your every thought during the dead of night.

Seeing the amount of mass a small river stream can hold is always a good idea, especially if you’re not sure whether the puddle you’re about to jump in could accidentally be so deep you end up in the lithosphere of earth. Float a baby down stream and see how far it gets before crying and waking the neighbors. If it gets too close to the storm cellar, make sure to snatch it up before a clown does. Once you’ve retrieved your human monkey, give it a metal rod to play with as a reward for being an obedient social experiment. 

If you’re short paying the utility bill this month and haven’t been able to shower for an extended period of time, take advantage of God being melodramatic and bathe yourself and your clothes in his misery. Sure, Judas may have screwed him over and he may still be harboring some ill feelings in regards to being sold out by someone he was in love with (I read in my trusty Bible they shared a pretty heated kiss), but he should get over it by now and stop involving the world in his petty drama. Instead of sitting back and taking the ruthless pounding rain is bestowing upon you, actively jump on the opportunity to save a dollar. Hang your clothes and tote your shampoo and conditioner out for a nice shower by nature. Check the nudity laws of your state before ignoring them and make sure to write each neighbor an elaborately worded “you’re welcome” letter for letting them gaze upon your naked beauty.

When everything fails as it inevitably will and you find yourself steadily bored with the list of activities provided, stay entertained by immersing yourself in something new and creative. Gather round your candle lit room; grab as many friends as possible (preferably living), and write a story about the ghosts and goblins you split rent with. The world is your canvas and you hold the paintbrush. 

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